Monday, January 16, 2006

I guess this is going to be my everyday thoughts about things that have gone on or things that are going on in my mind. So a Deep look into what's coming out of the mind of me... So with that said I can begin.

This is sort of hard because when I try and write down the thoughts in my mind it always comes out in a poem. So to not write in rhyme is difficult. It's not always easy saying what you really want to say in a rhyme either. Perhaps that is why I write in poetry to speak my mind, because I am trying to hide my true feelings and thoughts from other people knowing. Once you write something down then someone else will know whatever it is that you wrote. It's like you jinx yourself. So anyone who thinks they write in there journal for themselves aren't ever going to keep the contents secret. But to be honest for me writing in a journal was never about just getting my thoughts out. I knew if I wrote something that someone would be curious and want to know what I was writing. So they thought I didn't want them to know when really I wrote about things I did wish someone would listen to me talk about. It worked more then I ever thought it would, unfortunately I learned my lesson about writing things down that I didn't want people to read.

I've always been a student at the school of hard knocks

Tuesday, January 17, 2006             

To be a friend to someone, what does that mean? I thought I knew, I also thought some people around me knew what it means, to be a real friend. What are the guidelines for being a friend. Are there any? If so then when they get broken, when is it okay to forgive and forget or when should you no longer consider them a friend. And if you stop considering them a friend does that mean they were never really friends in the first place? If they brake those guidelines to which you consider that make a true friend, then were they really ever a friend? If not then I've never had a real friend in my life.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Usually I believe that every 18th of each month is my lucky day, because that was the day I was born. But that wasn't the case for today. I was very productive today, I did a lot of laundry that needed to be done, I vacuumed and I cleaned the bathroom. Oh and I dusted the pictures on the wall. There was nothing good though about my day really. My Boyfriend came home was in a good mood, of course not a great mood. I have a back ache actually it's more just tension in my shoulders, he wont rub them very good for me. No he'd rather rub his dog for two hours. I'm talking about a pet. Is it right to love a pet more than a lover??? Just joking

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Their is something missing, inside of me. It use to seem like something that never would be found. I've strived to find what it is only to come up empty. Coming up that way made whatever was missing only grow. Today I think maybe I found what is missing, someone who listens. Everyone needs someone they can talk to. There are people who have offered to listen but there are some things that I just can't tell them. Probably because it's mostly family, family can't know certain things. A good friend would be nice, like I once had. Doesn't even have to be a good friend, just has to be someone who is easy to talk to and doesn't judge you for the things you say. One who wont look at you differently after finding something new about you. Someone who really listens and wants to hear more, never getting bored and helping with understanding. Where oh where is that friend for me?

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Have you ever wondered what it was like to live during the time when the world wasn't so populated? Before there were malls and shopping centers. When the only way you got things was by trade. I wish I could go back in time

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentines Day, a good day for those who have someone to share it with and a day to remind others just how lonely they are. This is officially the very first V-day that I have ever actually celebrated. Usually I would throw a party for all the single friends I have because I was single. It's kind of strange because now I'm celebrating valentines day and I have no friends.

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Is the glass half empty or is it half full? A question that many think is one way to tell if a person looks to the brighter things in life or the duller things in life. Personally I think it all depends on if the glass has been taken from or added to. If asking in general then the glass is neither half empty or full it is just neutral.

Sunday, March 5, 2006

It takes a lot to know what is love. It's not the big things but the little things that can mean a lot. I really don't think I know what love is I mean other than between family. Any one who wasn't family and has told me they love me, I don't think ever really meant it. I think this because in my opinion once you love something you can never not love it. Some/many may disagree but if they have ever stopped loving something it's probably the only way they could numb there self from whatever changed in what they loved. I really hate life. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. My life is what I made it and that is fucking shit. I'm shit, a piece of shit and I hate myself a lot! I don't know why I feel this way but I just do. I have never really liked myself. Some days I try to pretend I do but just like everything else some days are good and some days are bad. Is it so wrong of me to want attention from the one that I love?? Is it so wrong that the one I love can't even give me sixty seconds of his undivided attention?? what does that mean? Maybe he really doesn't love me because there are so many times where I must beg for his attention...

Monday, March 6, 2006

Sometimes I just don't understand how in a relationship one or both of the people tend to loose interest in the other. Maybe loose interest is the wrong way to explain what I mean. I'm sure every girl always wines and cries about things like this. Guys probably call it just bitching. But I want to know what when first dating will a person give another person anything and do everything for them. Such as open doors, constantly be touching them, you know things of that sort. Then just when the person gets use to the attention it stops from the other. Or they both loose interest. Why does the same thing get so boring for some and yet stay strong for others??? What is the case in my relationship?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Well yesterday was my birthday and it was the very first birthday that was like any other day. It was really disappointing. I didn't get calls from my family who usually call me every birthday and some friends didn't call who that's the one time a year when they do call. Yes my birthday was very sad and depressing. Don't get me wrong there were the people who did try and make it a good birthday it's just they didn't try as hard as they usually do. I must sound so ungrateful and unappreciative.